by Josh Hindle and Chris Hiden

What would drive a 17 year old high school male to own the largest SUV ever manufactured.  The answer…compensation.  The SUV in question is none other than the Ford Excursion.  What makes this car an even better deal is the fact that it gets a grand total of nine miles per gallon.  It’s a great way for a high schooler to waste all their money!!  The owner of this incredible vehicle is one Billy Traube, a Senior at Linganore High School.  For some reason, Billy has been obsessed by the idea of owning an Excursion for some time, and he finally was able to realize his dream this past weekend.  In order to celebrate this occasion, Billy and his friends decided to spend a night on the town.  This consisted of driving to the best restaurant in town – McDonald’s – and a gravel field at an undisclosed location.

Once there, Billy then attempted to perform donuts in said field.  The result was quite bad.  Let’s just say that any other car would have been destroyed by the events that transpired, but the only reason that the Sexcursion emerged relatively intact is because this car is a tank.  One could call the Excursion the safest vehicle ever made, and really the only thing that could take it out would be a nuclear bomb.  This car is so tough, that when Billy ran over a massive pile of rocks, he only punctured the metal shell of the gas tank.  Oh, and he also cracked the  rear differential, no big deal because no one was hurt….barely.

“This thing’s a beast, I would marry it if I could.  I’m going to name her Melanie!” exclaimed Billy following the grand adventure.

Senior Chris Hiden was also in attendance, “It was one of the scariest moments of my life.”

On the other hand, Senior Andrew Forest said that the event was, “One of the funniest things I have ever seen.  I died laughing when I saw the back of the Excursion pop up over the pile of rocks.”

In reality, no one needs a car this big no matter the circumstances.  Literally it could fit three Volvo S40s into the Excursion and still have room to drive, sleep, and host a minor party.  It is the biggest thing on the road outside of an 18 wheeler.  Now, if one gets anything out of this cautionary tale, just remember don’t be like Billy and buy a massive gas-guzzling tank.